Sadly, that’s where my voting experience ends.

Knowing history I know Bushie 41 won the election in 1988, but my life was focused on all sorts of me-me-me-dom. C’mon, it was the 1980s, the decade of “Me!” I blame Reagan. I was 22 and living in Philadelphia at the time, but registered in West Chester where I grew up. I was thinking with the wrong head, traveling to and from upstate New York. I didn’t have time to register in a new city or worry about such nonsense as politics. It was all about me. What are politics going to do for me? I didn’t care, I didn’t form opinions. President who? Whatever.

By 1992, I was in Washington. I was living on my own far from my family, and generally being a productive, job-holding citizen of society. I registered to vote here in the small town in which I live and fully expected to wield that constitutional power granted to me by the forefathers of this great nation. It would be my first vote on the West coast, and I liked Clinton.

After work, I headed home for dinner. While eating, Tom Brokaw announced that Bill Clinton would be the next president of the United States. I sat there stunned, mouth open waiting for a forkful of food, as I wondered how they could announce a winner when half the country hadn’t finished voting yet. I hadn’t voted yet! Goddammit, my vote doesn’t count?! What kind of bullshit was that?

It was that day that caused me to never vote in an election again. What’s the point of voting if the East coast exit polls predicted the winner early? Fuck it, this country can elect a president without my vote. Fine by me, at least I don’t have to go to some gymnasium or community center and speak loudly and slowly to some nonagenarian volunteer that’s seen more presidential elections than penises. I was done.

Oh, I would watch, and I would form my opinions. I inevitably would favor one candidate and quietly hope he would win. But when it came time to vote, I was doing other things with my free time. In 1996, I liked Clinton still, even though most of my friends didn’t. But the other choice was Bob Dole, and I don’t think Bob Dole liked Bob Dole. And Bob Dole held a pen, and Bob Dole talked about himself in the third person. Bob Dole was weird.

In 2000, I watched again as Bushie Jr. and the inventor of the Internet battled it out. Again, I liked the democratic candidate. It was a Clinton fan, and since Clinton couldn’t run for a third term, Gore was the next best thing. The dot-com bubble burst, but the country wasn’t bad off. Things seemed okay heading into the 21st century. Of course, the election turned into fiasco, and no one’s vote counted. The arthritic dinosaurs of Florida couldn’t poke holes in paper, so the Supreme Court appointed W to office. Excellent. During the campaign, I remember Bush said he was going to restore honor to the oval office, in contrast to Clinton’s cigar-inserting, knob-polishing, seed-spilling antics. I recall talking to my friend Dave on the day Bush was appointed to office, I made a joke that it would be hard to restore honor now that we have Dick and Bush in office. He thought that was highly funny. I also told several friends that we would have lots of trouble in the Middle East. I knew Saddam Hussein disliked Bushie's Pop, and predicted Junior would finish what Daddy started. Nailed that one, eh?

Four years later, my views in the 2004 election were no different. I didn’t like GWB in 2000, and he didn’t do anything that won my favor. Of course, my own little secret imaginary election left me with a douche or a turd to root for, and I reluctantly sided with Kerry. I didn’t like either one. In fact, I hated them both. But if I had to choose one, I figured a democrat might get us out of a war that a lot of Americans and a lot of my friends didn’t like. Of course, since I didn’t vote, I didn’t really give two tiny goat craplets. Also, in 2004 my Dad was very ill, and I was going through some legal troubles with a former “employer,” for lack of a better description. I wasn’t paying too much attention to politics at the time.

Looking back at all the elections over the past 20 years, I sided with the Democrats every time. With the lone exception of my one and only actual Presidential vote in 1984, I seemed to always want a democratic president. I never really thought of myself as being either Republican or Democratic, but when push came to shove, it was always a Democrat. If I ever cornered myself in a conversation with friends about politics, I’d often be called a liberal democrat, as if it were an insult. I didn’t like the Republicans, and wasn’t afraid to say so. I always thought of myself as more liberal and less conservative, but if you asked me to define those qualities, I’d probably start to drool like a retard hopped up Ritalin. I feel that I’m liberal in some areas, and conservative in others. Just as I dress, I’d say I was somewhere in the middle but leaning to the left. The cookie-cutter labels don’t work with me.

Again I found myself in the Democrat’s camp for 2008, because I really dislike the current administration. The current Republican administration, with their smoke and mirrors lie that got us into a war, and their manipulation of the media. They can’t catch the real Osama, and they probably never will. National security has been whittled away, and they’ve taken many of our civil liberties and right to privacy after the attacks of September 11, 2001. The economy is completely in the porcelain turd tunnel. A gallon of gas costs more than a gallon of milk, many can’t pay their mortgages, and basic necessities like groceries and utilities cost far more than ever. Christ, the list goes on and on… the environment, education, healthcare, taxes. And to top it all off, our relationships with other countries is severely damaged. Americans are hated more than ever by people that matter; other first world countries. Fuck the liberated sand monkeys (for lack of an N-word) in the Middle East. They don’t matter.

So this primary race, I found myself pulling for Hillary. Again, as so many times in the past, the choice was between two turds. Which one of these two turds smells better? Which one could be polished up and thrown in front of FOX News and CNN cameras? I didn’t like either one, but putting that proverbial gun to my head and forcing a choice, I chose Billary. For no other reason than it would piss off so many Republicans, and because I feel Balack Hussein Osama has no experience in anything except roll call, where to go for lunch, and how to be more white. Look, it always comes down to ‘who will do less damage?’ And now that Billary lost the primary, it was down to the Anointed One, and that just makes me want to lift one cheek and let one rip. It can’t stink any worse.

But then last Friday morning, while riding the Clinton-Mukilteo ferry to work, I read about Sarah Palin on Wikipedia. This was several hours before the official announcement when she was still thought to be on McCain’s short list. I liked what I read. A runner up in the Miss Alaska pageant, a former city council member, the mayor of her home town for six years, the governor of Alaska for two years. I read that she was trying to end corruption in her State’s government, and strongly supported drilling for oil. My first impression was positive, but then came all the negative “news,” especially of her teenage daughter’s pregnancy. Of course, those stories ended up being lies fabricated by the “Liberal Left Media Elite to Elect King Barack Hussein Obama.” That’s an activist group, right? It must be considering the way CNN and NBC News are carrying on.

On Wednesday, I watched Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention — as 40+ million others did — and was wowed! She came off as a down-to-earth, regular person that faces basically the same issues most Americans face. She didn’t appear to be another long-winded blow-hard talking out her ass. Suddenly I was liking the Republicans, and the Democrats appeared scared.

When her speech was finished, I listened as so-called experts gave their opinions. I found myself agreeing with Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. What the hell? If the interview guest was conservative, I was applauding their viewpoints. If they were liberal democrats blowing Barack Hussein Obama‘s horn, I was getting irritated and yelling at the TV. Am I really leaning to the right now? Am I becoming [gasp] a Republican? Tina found all this highly amusing. I, however, can’t stop anxiously running my hand over my buzzcut head in wide-eyed disbelief. So, I checked with the Internets and found a small quiz. I scored “63% Republican.” Shit! Another more exhaustive test puts me slightly on the authoritarian right than the libertarian left of a political compass.

Holy finger-snapping hell, man! When did this happen? When did I start agreeing with the conservative right? Do I have a stomach flu, or is that the Republican in me making me queasy? How did I become a Republican? Somewhere in eastern Washington, a friend of mine is laughing.

Certainly these right-minded views weren’t fed to me with a silver spoon. I spent most of my childhood in middle-class suburban Philadelphia. Growing up, my immediate family didn’t go to church, and we never talked politics. To this day I don’t believe in a God. This can’t be! I’ve never (ever!) thought about soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom, and never wondered what it would be like to shoot an old man in the face.

Now that I think about it, I can name a few I wouldn’t mind shooting… but that’s a topic for another blog update.

I guess you’ve figured out by now that I plan on voting this November, and who I will vote for. If you know me, that’s probably a big surprise. Then again, you probably don’t care.

Maybe you’re wondering what the hell the picture associated with this blog update is all about. After McCain selected Palin, the democrats were spouting off about her perceived inexperience as a politician. Of course, Balack Hussein Osama's experience has been questioned for 19 months as he criss-crossed his 57 states, but we all forgot about that. What I found odd were the pundits and self-proclaimed media elite comparing Palin to Obama. Suddenly, everyone was comparing Palin’s obvious executive leadership to King Hussein’s… well, to his “present” votes. It was fascinating to watch these so-called experts compare the apple VP candidate to the orange presidential candidate. Tina actually said “they’re not comparing apples to oranges, they’re comparing melons to nuts,” which is simply excellent!

Finally, take a look at this brief job description: …the head of the executive branch of government and the commander-in-chief of the military forces… has a duty to enforce laws, the power to either approve or veto bills passed by the Legislature, power to convene the Legislature, and to grant pardons, except in cases of impeachment. Sounds pretty presidential, huh? That’s basically the job of a State Governor in a nut shell, uh… melon rind. I’ll also remind you that of the 43 presidents in our country’s history, 17 were State Governors. Eight of the 18 presidents since 1901 have been State Governors. And there have been three presidents that were city mayors. So before anyone starts casting doubts about experience, maybe we should all do a little brushing up on our high school government history lessons.

Well, this is where I’ll leave you… let the flaming commence! I’m sorry to have to bring up politics, but they are a waste of fucking time, and that fits in with the title of this site.