Race Day
Posted on May 26, 2008, by wafwot, under General.
It’s Memorial Day weekend again, and every American knows that means parades of old-aged pensioners, picnics with friends and family, backyard barbecuing, and motorsports. In fact, I barbecued last night, and those hamburgers were awesome! However, this morning, I can’t seem to stay out of the toilet. Tina seems okay, though, so I don’t think it was last night’s hamburgers. Whatever… all goddamn day I’ve been making what seems to be hourly trips to the porcelain crap catcher. A friend of mine parodies C. Montgomery Burns… “Excrement.”
Since I’m stuck inside tethered to the shitter, I watched racing on television. The 92nd running of the Indianapolis 500 and 49th running of the Coca-Cola 600 took place, and I watched ‘em both. I’ve talked about the Indy 500 before, but watching NASCAR is something new for me to be watching. However, I’m by no means one of those sleeveless flannel shirt-wearing, Busch beer-drinking Southern rednecks or Appalachian hillbillies. You know the type, the double-wide trailer-living dumbass that eats, sleeps, and shits their favorite driver by plastering stock car numbers on every worldly possession, including their vehicles and muffintop women. Holy hell, man!
After 1,100 miles and 2,400 left turns, I noticed something. There’s no black people in motorsports. Yeah, I know, not an original observation, but I found it funny. Tina and I started making fun of the sport, and invented our own sanctioned racing series — “Popeyes Fried Chicken Series.” You won’t find this racing series on FOX, ESPN, or even the SPEED Channel, oh no. Thanks to a multi-million dollar deal, the Popeyes Series races will be seen on BET. And just as the Truck Series is different than the Cup Series, so too shall the Popeyes Fried Chicken Series. Here’s some of the highlights:
- There’s no more pace car. Instead, the Popeyes Series will use a chase car painted like a police car with a red and blue light bar and sirens that will stay out on the track during “normal” conditions. This will encourage fast driving and aggression. In the event of caution, the chase car will leave the track so the drivers can resume slower speeds.
- When a car crashes, Popeyes Series drivers must bail out of their car as fast as possible and run like hell from Race officials in the chase car and television helicopters flying overhead. If caught, the driver loses points in the standings.
- The vehicles may only be a 1971 to 1996 Chevrolet Impalas, any year Chevrolet Caprices, second generation Buick Regals, or any 1985 to 1993 Cadilac Coupe de Ville. The wheels must be 22 inches or bigger and wrapped in anything but Goodyear tires. Here’s an example… and another… and another… and another… and another.
- The drivers must blare hip hop music while racing, so loud that the trunk lid and quarter panels rattle with each beat. They must also drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand hanging out the window, without sitting upright in the driver’s seat.
- To add a bit of a challenge to the race, each car will be equipped with an unregistered hand gun that may be used while passing to take other drivers out of the race, “drive-by” style. Points will be earned for every drive-by that results in a wreck.
- While it may not meet normal NASCAR safety standards, all Popeyes Series drivers must wear pants that hang around the ass and expose at least six inches of underwear. Helmets are still required, but must have Kangol or FUBU printed them, and be worn sideways.
- All cars must have a passenger seat, and drivers must fill that seat with one of his homies or one of his ‘hos. During pit stops, the pit crews may only supply Olde English 800 or Colt 45 to the driver.
Hopefully you’re laughing at all that nonsense, and not thinking I’m a racist. Racism is, basically, discrimination based on skin color. I’m definitely not discriminating against black people… I’m just making fun of the stereotypes. This is no different than the stereotypes of rednecks and hillbillies mentioned above, or the time I poked fun at the driving skills of Asian drivers 18 months ago, so don’t get your panties in a wad. In fact, here’s a picture of me looking apologetic.
Okay, I had planned on writing more. I made another graphic to segue into another “race” issue, but I think I’ll save it for another day when I’m not playing King Wafwot, ruler Bathroomia. Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day holiday.
3 Replies to "Race Day"
Kyle on May 29, 2008
What an awesome idea you racist bastard. You need to add one thing. When they come in for the first pit stop, they must get a bucket of chicken and they have to have finished said bucket before they can win the race. 
Not your typical red-headed Ho on June 1, 2008
..and al Homies must have teeth bling, while the Ho’s have to have front teeth missing for easier B.J.’s, after the race.
I'm your typical middle-aged fat-ass struggling from paycheck to paycheck. It's the American fucking dream, don't ya know. I drive a 2005 Ford F-150 pickup truck. I work an 8-to-5 job at an Internet service provider in Seattle as Systems Administrator slash Hostmaster. However, I commute five hours a day so it's really a 5-to-8 job. Sonofafuck, why anyone wants to read about my life is a mystery greater than... the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.
LDriver on May 28, 2008
“stay out on the track during “normal” conditions.”
Killi’n me lol!