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The aging of Wafwot continues. I had one of my worst-ever Senior Moments earlier this week.
I drove my truck to Seattle on Monday because our regular carpool driver was working in the Oak Harbor office. So, like any other day, I was up before the rooster across the street. Since I’m still coughing due to pneumonia, I didn’t get much sleep Sunday night/Monday morning, and I was dog-ass tired. I jumped in the shower to wash hair, face, pits, crotch, and ass… in that order… hoping that the shower would wake me up more. By the way, have you ever noticed how mighty a fart sounds through wet ass cheeks in the shower? It brings a smile to my face, no matter how tired I am.
By 4:55am, I was out the door and picked up one other commuter and headed south to Seattle. It was an easy trip, and we pulled into the Westin parking garage before 7am. I parked on the 5th level — like we do every day — put the borrowed keycard (that gets me in the garage for free) in my sun visor and hopped out of the truck. I locked it and headed to the elevators to get into the building.
Monday was a busy day at work, but whenever you’re busy, time seems to fly by quickly. However, by 5pm, I was ready to get the fuck out of Dodge.
As I was riding the elevator back to the 5th level, I was searching, in vain, for my keys. They weren’t in my pocket. Before heading back into the building to check if I left my keys on my desk, I checked the ignition. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck! There’s my motherfucking keys! It the ignition! Fuck!
I could have sworn I had an extra key at my desk, but I checked all the drawers and cabinets of my desk, and there was no key to be found. The CTO of our company gave me a wire clothes hanger, but after 30 minutes of fucking with it, I realized the hanger was too flexible. I called Tina to have her find a locksmith in Seattle for me. Tina called me back at 5:45pm, and gave me the number of Abel Locksmith & Road Service on 12th Avenue South. I called them and they said they’d be “right over.”
I learned a couple things that day; always have a spare key in my wallet, and in the native tongue of locksmiths, “right over” means about an hour. Shit. By 6:45pm, I met the locksmith outside the parking garage… because his truck height is 6-feet 10-inches, and the parking garage height is 6-feet 8-inches. Simply excellent.
Johnny McBreak-in shoved a wedge between the glass and door skin in order to get various wires and rods shoved into the door. He spent 15 minutes wailing and yanking on his tool before he gave up on the driver’s side door. I mean, he was pulling with so much force, he bent his tool. And yes, I know I just used “yanking,” “pulling,” and “tool” in the past two sentences. What of it?
This “professional” locksmith had much better luck opening the passenger side door in only two minutes. He reached in and grabbed the keys from the ignition. I tried opening the driver’s door with the key, but couldn’t turn the key to the unlock position. What the fuck now? After dicking with it from the passenger side, we realized that all that zealous yanking pulled the plastic door panel over the lock pin… uh, lock knob? What in the sweet and sour hell are those manual locking knob thingies called? Anyway, once the “manual lock plunger knob doohickey” (technical term) was back in the hole it’s supposed to be in, the door unlocked properly.
The whole ordeal cost eighty fucking dollars — eight zero period zero zero — and two hours of time. I wasn’t even kissed as he was fucking me. Wotta rip off! No matter… we were heading out by 7:00pm and all my windows were intact. One good thing about leaving Seattle at 7:00pm is there’s no traffic. I was back in Oak Harbor by 8:35pm (average speed of 60 mph) and there wasn’t a slowdowns to be seen in that shithole called Everett.
Two items of note: I’ll probably get reimbursed by my insurance company since I have emergency road service coverage on my policy… and I now have a spare key in my wallet, at my desk at work, and at home. Monday was the first and last time I will ever be locked out of my vehicle.
Fucking Wal-Mart… I went there on Wednesday for bird seed, cough medicine, milk, cereal, pop, and a few other items we needed at the house, including cigarettes (not for me, I don’t smoke). I did my shopping and got in a line with a cashier.
Normally I use the cool self checkout at the Wal-Marché, because I’m all about self gratification. But since I needed cigarettes, I hit a line with a cashier. She scanned all my items like a good smiley-faced monkey, but couldn’t seem to get the cash register to by-pass the age check on the cough medicine. Fucking safety checks. God forbid a teenager puts down their heroin needle for a bottle of Delsym. On top of that, the chick wouldn’t sell me cigarettes at that register, giving me an excuse of company policy. I had to use lane one where the tobacco products are sold. I complained that I would have gotten in that line if I had 10 items or less, but I had about 16 items. I’ll be damned if I’ll violate the sacred Item Limit at the Wal-Mart and have some hoarse-voiced, yellow-fingered little old lady holler at me because she couldn’t buy a new pack of Benson & Hedges menthols before she slipped into another nicotine fit.
So how fucked up is that? Wal-Mart puts the cigarettes behind one register with a 10 items or less limit, then forces customers to buy cigarettes at that register only. Fuckers. I had to pay for my 15 items at Register Three (with a credit card), then take my “must be older than 18 to purchase” cough syrup to Register One and make another credit card transaction. Dicks.
There ya have it, another quality update. I don’t want to hear any more bitching… ’til next time.
You have now learned the reason for RAID 5 key systems.
MMMMM smell the dope MMMM Friday… MMMM
Old age and all-I still love ya!
So.
I went to Schuck’s in Oak Harbor one day in 2001 because I had what I’d originally thought was an alternator problem. Three fried alternators later (before I finally got a good one) had all but toasted my battery.
In the parking lot, I opened the hood, removed the battery from my T-Bird and proceeded to close the lid.
As the hood descended in slow motion – as things tend to do in an emergency – I shot my arm out to stop it. Of course, it didn’t exactly shoot out: it moved at half the apparent rate of the closing hood. Which means “really slow”.
“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o !” I said, also in slow motion. You’d be surprised how much bass gets in your voice when played at 1/10th speed. You sound like a really slow retard, but hey, it’s really manly sounding.
With a satisfyingly mechanical whoomp!, the hood was closed. My head was slowly shaking back and forth and my mouth open like Bruce Lee when he takes out Bolo in “Enter The Dragon”.
Except I had kicked my own ass. My keys were locked in the car. I always left the keys in the car, as I had electric door locks with the keyless entry pad on the driver’s side door…
Which doesn’t work without the battery…
Which I had dangling from its strap in my left hand.
Nice, dipshit. Real nice.
Over an hour later, it cost me twice as much as my core charge refund to get my car open so I could open the hood, install the new battery, and retrieve my keys.
Thank you for making me feel slightly less stupid.
Dumbasses like dumbass company.
– Art
Enter your comments here… In reference to your Locksmith ordeal: First of all your a idiot for locking your keys in the vehicle…….I have not ever locked my keys in the vehicle in 40 years of driving! Secondly, I would have charged you at least $100! You people dont know the expenses us Locksmiths have. Insurance, equiptment, vehicles, liscenses, knowledge. Everytime I have opened a vehicle, the people were nice to me, and very much appreciated my ability! Dont be so quick to rat on the locksmith! He did what you asked him to do.