Squinty-eyed drivers

Posted on December 10, 2006, by wafwot, under General.

I’m a racist bastard. I don’t discriminate against any one race — I hate the human race. That in mind, I’m about to single one race out. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just ranting… while injecting a bit of humor. If you have a problem with that, use the comments link below, and I’ll be sure to ignore your concerns.

After six weeks of commuting to Seattle, I’ve come to totally agree with the Asian driver stereotype. Every time — and I mean every time — there’s a slow-moving vehicle in the HOV lane, it’s either an Asian driver, or a bus (probably driven by an Asian) causing the slow-down. What the fuck? They nose their cars into traffic like you’re invisible, expecting traffic to stop for them. They seem completely oblivious to any cars on the road!

I’m not kidding. They drive erratically. They don’t know how to merge into the freeway. They drive too slowly. If you pass an Asian driver on the freeway, odds are they will speed up and pace you! “I tink I’ll drive arong in dis round eye’s brind spot for as rong a posserble.” It’s infuriating. If you see a vehicle backing up at an intersection, turning right from the left hand lane, stopped dead in the middle of rush hour stop-and-go traffic trying to merge into another lane… It is always an Asian driver. I am not shitting you.

And, there must be a language barrier, too, because they don’t seem to read traffic signs. Are they busy texting a message with their phone? Maybe they’re distracted by the Hello Kitty kitsch hanging from their rearview mirror, or reloading their camera… I just don’t know.

There are two kind of Asian drivers. You’ve got the young Asian male driver, and the FOB Asian female driver. Males are recognizable by the rice burner car they drive. It’s always an Asian import with a 4-cylinder engine and an over-sized wing on the trunk lid that looks as out of place as cat turds in Christmas pudding. Don’t forget about the carbon fiber hood (with non-functional scoop), neon lighting kit under the car, cut suspension to lower the vehicle, a fart cannon coffee can resonator bolted on the exhaust pipe, logo stickers plastered all over the paint job, and an 8-inch tachometer mounted to the dashboard. Their cars sound like a mosquito tweeked on meth and are usually louder than an A-6 Intruder. These boys have more money than brains, and really need to get laid. They probably still live with mommy.

Speaking of mommy, the Asian female driver can be identified by her thick-ass goggle glasses that look like they were made from the old optics of the Hubble Space Telescope, her hunched-over posture, her white knuckle death grip at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, and her head never moves, keeping an eagle-eye stare on the fog line four and a half feet in front of the vehicle. The body of their car — also an Asian import with a 4-cylinder engline — is riddled with the battle scars of parallel parking and driving in the city.

Their bad habits can’t be because American roads are different? It’s gotta be genetic. You would think that Asians would be the best fucking drivers in the world. We’ve got Asian car manufacturers falling out our asses: Toyota, Nissan, Mitsubishi, Honda, Suzuki, Kia, Subaru, ad nauseam. They even make tires with names like Yokohama, Toyo, Bridgestone, Sumitomo, and others. Apparently they can build the shit out of a car, they just can’t drive the goddamned things. Excellent.

So, what’s the problem? Why can’t they drive? I’ve got some ideas, but these are just theories, so no wagering. First, I think they get their license at a late age. Americans start driving at 15 or 16 years of age. Asians hop off the boat and open a convenience store, make lots of money, then decide to get a license while their male children run the store. The old addage “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” plays well here. (Hell, they probably ate the old dog anyway.) Second, they’re genetically predisposed to riding in or pulling rickshaws, which have no gas pedal or turn signals and go pretty slow. Third, they’re too fucking short. They sit in their car, and their eyes are directly level with the top of the steering wheel. This causes a blind spot, hindering their ability to see traffic directly in front of them. Lastly, their eyes are three-quarters closed! Hell, you can blindfold their ass with dental floss. That can’t be good for seeing traffic. There may be other reasons, too. If you know of any, used the aforementioned comments link below and tell us about them.

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