More bullshit from another asshole with a blog

Oh thank heaven, no more 2011!
01Jan12

Posted by wafwot

Happy 2012What a fucked up year 2011 was. We saw everything from Congressional helicoptering to unemployed hippie drum circles, wannabe presidential groping to ineffectual “supercommittees.” All this nonsense distracted the Lamestream Media from the real story of the year: Obama’s inability to do anything but spend money the Country doesn’t have. Let’s recap this shitty year then forget it ever happened…

On January 11, flooding and mudslides in Rio de Janeiro killed 903. See, eleven days old, and 2011 is already giving humanity two giant middle fingers. Oh snap! Eleventh day, eleventh year, two fingers that look like “eleven.” If ever there was a time for The Twilight Zone theme music…

Only a month into the Arab Spring, and 96-year old fitness superhero Jack LaLanne was the first celebrity casualty. We all know early spring is when you can catch your death from pneumonia, and that’s what happened. Don’t fuck around with “new moan ya,” as my Dad liked to say.

In February, Whidbey Island saw nine inches of snow fall and parts of Skagit County saw close to two feet. That didn’t stop me from 4-wheeling it to work, where I saw many dumb-asses stranded on the side of the highway. The next day, while heading to work, I slipped on the stairs outside my house and bruised the shit out of my ass! Holy hell, if you ever have the opportunity to drop all your weight, tailbone first, onto a concrete set of stairs, I highly recommend you pass.

Other ass-breaking news in February saw IPv4 officially run out of IP address. 4,294,967,296 address gone in 30 years? What pigs are we? Thankfully, IPv6 will save our collective asses. If we exhaust 340 trillion, trillion, trillion IPv6 addresses, then we need to put an end to all these goddamn iPhones and iPads.

On March 11, an epic Pokémon battle triggered the 9.1-magnitude Tōhoku earthquake and caused tsunami flooding that killed nearly 20,000 people and a duck. Thousands more were homeless, as this photo from Japanese news outlets clearly shows. The earthquake also caused a huge nuclear accident. If the Simpsons taught us anything, it’s that funny little yellow people can’t run a nuclear power plant.

In March, Cleopatra and Geraldine Ferraro died, but no one knew about it because of Charlie Sheen‘s mental breakdown. Under a fog of anti-semetic rants and bottles of tiger’s blood, Sheen accused GOP candidate Herman Cain of sexually molesting him. Winning!

In April, Dixie Alley witnessed 753 tornadoes that killed 364 people. It was later discovered that all the hot air from Ron Paul‘s GOP “Campaign of Crazy Ideas” caused the twister outbreak. By the end of April, nearly one third of the world’s population watched the Royal inbreeding wedding in London. Not because they wanted to, but because it was aired on every goddamn television channel.

On May Day, SEAL Team 6 stormed a compound in Pakistan and killed Osama bin Laden as he was, um, self-loving himself to his extensive porn collection of hairy desert women in burqas. After filling bin Laden with lead, the SEALs took his body and fed it to the fishes in the Indian Ocean. Unfortunately, struggling actor/taxi driver Bobby Wheeler and “Macho Man” Randy Savage were casualties of the operation… they were trying to steal Osama’s porn and got caught in the “moneyshot/killshot” crossfire.

Only one thing could bring a halt to America’s “Osama’s Dead” celebration, and that’s pictures of Anthony Weiner‘s “congressional member.” First, he denied the dick was his, then he blamed Republican hackers before finally admitting that shit was his and resigning. Unable to stay competitive in the ratings during Weinergate, Oprah aired her last episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Thank god for small big fat black mama miracles! Craving the spotlight one last time, Oprah comes forth as yet another person Herman Cain has groped.

In June, I lost my IT job at the Chinese Aerospace Embassy. After nearly a year, the Emperor’s bean counter decided that my job could easily be replaced by an outsourced computer company, and I was sent home with a two-week severance. It would be five more months before I would be gainfully employed again… just in time, too! I had just a couple weeks before my unemployment benefits were about to run out.

On June 4, Chile’s Puyehue volcano erupts, and surprisingly no one was killed or injured. Wanna know why? There were no floods!

Oh, uhh, just one more thing. Jack 'Dr. Death' Kevorkian‘s timely demise was investigated in June by Lieutenant Columbo. Surprisingly, Columbo found that Dr. Death’s demise was not assisted suicide. This revelation caused Columbo to go crazy and die less than three weeks later.

Amy Winehouse died of “accidental alcohol poisoning due to misadventure,” and became a member of the “27 Club” in July, joining the likes of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. Misadventure? What the fuck, England?

July saw Space Shuttle Atlantis land successfully, sadly ending NASA’s storied Space Shuttle program. Also coming to an end was the Harry Potter film series, when we found out that Harry is really the father of Caylee Anthony and she’s not really dead, but living at Hogwarts, practicing her Quidditch. This shocking news magically acquitted Casey Anthony of murder and set her free to be sexually abused by Herman Cain.

In August, 434 people are killed in the 2011 Sindh floods in Pakistan, and no one gave two squirts of goat shit because — ohmygod ohmygod — Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married in August! They then divorced after 1728 hours of wedded bliss, and still no one cared about the Sindh flooding in Pakistan. Why should we? … Goddamn Osama-hiding motherfuckers. Screw them!

In late August, a 5.8-magnitude earthquake struck Virginia, rattling more than a dozen East Coast states. Unfortunately, the White House and the Capitol Building didn’t collapse, as the quake only cause $200 million in damages, which Obama simply floated a check to cover. At the same time, Hurricane Irene rumbled up the East coast, dumping up to 15 inches of rain, causing $7 billion in damages, and killing 47 in the United States. Pundits were expecting further Plagues, like locusts, or frogs.

Copying the anti-government uprising in Egypt, the social justice demonstrations in Israel, and the political protests in Spain earlier this year, a few jobless liberals and greedy unions started camping in tents, pissing in the street, beating drums, and singing Kumbaya in a concocted protest of America’s wealthy and corporate inequality. The Hippie Autumn — or the so-called Occupy Wall Street protests — proved to us all that Barack Obama supporters are angry that the wealth isn’t being spread around fast enough to their liking.

In Thailand, yet another 657 people are killed by monsoon flooding in October, and the death toll from the flooding of Cambodia‘s Mekong River reaches 207. What’s the deal with floods this year?

“This fall, for the day-to-day activities of an Executive Transvestite Dictator, you need comfortable shoes and an easy outfit. Muammar has the perfect design. The repurposed shower-curtain-turned-House-Dress makes a fashion statement that says he’s a frugal cross-dressing dickweed. Notice the pill box hat that not only looks great, it perfectly matches his ‘man-purse.’” Saddly, Muammar Gaddafi, the “King of Kings of Africa,” was killed at a fashion show in October when he slipped on several rebel militia members bullets, and fell off the runway into a walk-in deep freezer. It was a complete accident. Really.

Speaking of kings, the king of expensive geek tech Steve Jobs also died in October, which led to many teary-eyed developers to write Candle Vigile iPhone/iPad apps to memorialize their false deity. Rainbow flags were lowered to half staff and everyone was asked to wear black turtlenecks.

Halloween brought more scary news; Earth’s population hits 7 billion people… 5.78 billion of them being Chinese script kiddies hell bent on spamming America. One person Earth doesn’t need is a spawn of Justin Bieber, who was accused in the autmn of fathering a child. We all knew it was bullshit, because the only people who like Justin Bieber are pre-pubescent girls who aren’t dropping eggs… because the haven’t had their first period yet! Besides, the baby couldn’t be Justin’s… he was being sexually abused by Jerry Sandusky. Ah ha… you thought I was going to say Herman Cain. Herm likes the beef curtains of white cougars, Jerry likes tight poop chutes of young boys.

By early November, I had joined the 53% again, working for an online retail business. After 12 hours of training, I was on my own during the busiest 60 days of their fiscal year. But I’m an IT rock star and handled things with little carnage.

November also brought about the verdict in the case of Conrad Murray, a black doctor, found guilty of killing a 50-year old white woman, leaving two children and a blanket without a parent. The so-called “Supercommittee” announced in November that they would not meet their deadline to find $1.5 trillion in deficit reduction cuts over a ten year span. That’s like me calling a news conference to announce I won’t be able reduce my household budget by $3,500 a year for ten years. I got news for you, I had to reduce my household budget by more than half while on unemployment earlier this year. And I still paid my rent, made my truck payment, kept up on credit card payments, paid all the utilities, and kept Tina, the birds, and myself fed!

November news showed no sign of stopping when Penn State assistant football coach, Jerry Sandusky, was arrested on 40 counts of sexually abusing eight boys. Jerry’s downfall was he didn’t build an amusement park and zoo in the back yard of his State College, Pennsylvania home… which probably would have gotten him off in more ways than one! Winkwinknudgenudge.

In December, Tropical Storm Washi causes yet another flood, killing a little over a thousand people in the Philippines, including a 96-year old Colonel Sherman T. Potter who died of pneumonia resulting from being in the cold flood waters. When news of Colonel Potter’s death reached the DPRK, Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il — who at the age of 10 met the Colonel and Hawkeye Pierce during the Korean War — was deeply shocked, suffered a heart attack, and died. While North Koreans feigned sorrow for fear of death, the rest of the world pretty much didn’t give a fuck.

Speaking about not giving a fuck, Herman Cain suspended his campaign to be President in December, after every woman he’s ever met accused him of sexual misconduct, including his wife.

So, what lessons have we learned in 2011? Tsunamis and floods killed way more than 20,000 people… stay away from the goddamn water; Don’t tweet your junk on the Internet or you’ll lose your cushy government job; The Arab Spring is already more than 12 months old, proving we have no fucking clue about the Islamic calendar; Stay away from black men bearing gifts of pizza, they only want to grope you; If you’re 96 years old and contract pneumonia, get your affairs in order, ’cause you gonna die!

Shitty. Fucking. Year. Let’s hope 2012 is better, and those theorists about the Mayan calendar are as stupid as they sound.

Happy fucking New Year, everyone!

Jobs Lost
09Oct11

Posted by wafwot

Steve JobsLet’s talk about Steve Jobs. I’m sure my opinion will cause my email inbox to fill up with comment moderation notices after people read this, but I don’t care. In fact, if you’re just going to bitch about me being an insensitive asshole, don’t bother leaving a comment.

Yes, Steve Jobs is dead. Cancer is a sonofabitch. It’s sad to some degree when when anyone dies, mostly to their family and friends. Everyone deserves an obituary, and I don’t begrudge anyone that. It’s no surprise when a celebrity dies, it affects family, friends, strangers to a lesser extent, and sometimes corporations. Many people. But the news of Jobs’ has brought about an outpouring of apocryphal mourning throughout the social networks. Oh, I don’t doubt the Apple fanboys and fangirls are saddened by Jobs’ death. I simply question the veracity of their anguish. Facebook and Twitter were filled with teary public adulation. Many if not most tech web sites pushed out gushing eulogies praising Jobs’ contributions to the Human way of life in the 21st century. Even news anchors reported his death and exalted his life with a quiver in their voices while enumerating their various Apple products. Really? Since when did we start to idolize businessmen over other “less-then-famous heros” who have sacrificed far more for the Human condition. If I was employed, I’d wager real money that most of these blubbering Apple-praising technosheep didn’t shed tear one when their grandparents died. Publicly crying while wiping snot bubbles from your nose over the death of a middle-aged CEO seems terribly disingenuous and completely undeserved. I imagine these people look like this stupid bitch.

Personally, I think this contrived pseudo-lachrymosity a lugubrious game of one-upmanship, just as purchasing a piece of Apple gear is the patronal simile of techno-cock waving. “My friends posted emotional goodbyes to Steve Jobs on Facebook with their iPhones… I can eulogize him better with my iPad candle app.” I read a comment in some forum, written by some pantywaist with an over-sized mangina. He wrote the “4S” part in Apple’s new iPhone 4S, released one day prior to Jobs’ death, means “for Steve.” Jesus titty-fucking Christ! Get a grip, people!

I talked about Jobs’ perceived innovative prowess on Google+ with a couple friends, making the point that Jobs was not the omnipotent tech deity Apple customers and many tech pundits make him out to be. I read in someone’s blog (linked from Facebook) that he will be remembered as “a giant of innovation, like Edison.” Seriously? We’re comparing him to Thomas Edison? Jobs was not the innovating demigod who bestowed the computer, MP3 player, and smartphone upon the clamoring gadgetless masses, and a national sobfest of teary-eyed memorials outside every Apple Store cannot change that fact. Let’s refute some of the obvious milestones.

Some folks say the Apple I was the first personal computer, but it was simply an fully-assembled circuit board and the customer still had to provide their own power supply, a power switch, keyboard, video display, and case. Yes, I said case, as in a box to put everything in. And if you insist on saying the Apple I was the first personal computer, remember that Steve Wozniack actually developed and built it and the Apple ][. The Apple ][ may have been the most successful personal computer -- mainly because Apple had a beachhead in schools -- but it was not the first mass-marketed personal computer. The Commodore PET beat Apple by about five months, and it was half the price of the Apple ][. Contrary to popular belief, the Lisa (precursor to the Macintosh) wasn’t the first mouse-driven GUI computer, either. The Xerox Star was first, and Apple benefited greatly with an unknown amount of assistance from former Xerox developers that helped design the Macintosh. Maybe you think the iMac was revolutionary? Nope, the Commodore PET (again) and the Kaypro II were all-in-one personal computers that preceded even the first Macintosh. You’d be incorrect again if you thought Jobs’ invented the MP3 player. The fist digital audio player (playing MP3s) was available more than five years before the first iPod. Even the first hard drive-based MP3 players beat out the iPod by two years. And the beloved iPhone? Not the first smartphone. The Ericsson R380 was the first touchscreen smartphone released seven years before the iPhone. I personally owned an HTC Wizard running a custom Windows Mobile ROM nearly a year before the iPhone dropped. And we all know that the iPad wasn’t the first tablet computer… in fact, I’d argue the iPad is just a giant iPhone minus the calling capability.

No, Steve Jobs wasn’t as innovative as he will surely be remembered being. Nor was he the “father of creative technologies.” His company has it roots firmly in the infancy of the personal computer boom of the 70s and 80s, but Apple garnered its fame and fortune by producing gorgeous copies of gadgets that appealed to hipsters and technophobes that refused to embrace the much larger market share. Steve Jobs’ vision was really a fantastic marketing campaign. He sold (some of) us what was already available with an exclusivity concept that reached a cult-like zenith, and got insanely rich in the process. Everything Apple has ever done, while humanly accessible and visually sexy, is over-rated and over-priced. That’s fine if you like Apple’s products; they make good computers and music players and phones, oh my. But they’re just products, marketed by a large corporation, formerly headed by a man who had a great sense of style and showmanship. As for human greatness, I don’t think I’m qualified to pass judgment. However, Jobs was never a great philanthropist, and chasing profits as a CEO of a giant corporation doesn’t make you a Messiah.

Steve Jobs will be missed in the tech world, and I offer my sympathies to his family and friends. Apple’s products, while not original, were definitely imitated, and that is one of the great forms of flattery. Let’s just hope that Apple doesn’t fall into the same slide they did for eleven years while Jobs was off building the NeXT computer.

I h8 U all
29Aug11

Posted by wafwot

Is it just me? Is anyone else irritated that text messaging lingo has leaked out of the ether and into the English language? I’m guessing there’s been plenty of shit written about the fears of text messaging and tweeting shortcuts ruining the English language. A quick Google search proves I am correct, so I won’t pile on… much.

You can’t open a browser or use a smartphone without seeing some form of abbreviated text, like OMG and LOL, both of which have officially been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. Don’t get me wrong; I get it. Our language changes with time. Words often become archaic while others are brand new. Abraham Lincoln never once asked for an “update” or a “cheeseburger,” just as we don’t say such douchey words as “hitherto” or “verily” today.

However, I think we’ve taken the text messaging slang too far. I’m guilty of using OMG, LOL, WTF, and even LMAO… but only while texting or using social networks. I’ve even started using LMBO recently. While sending messages, you’re often limited to 140 to 160 characters, so abbreviations help you save save space when expressing a lengthy thought. Back in the day of flip phones, sending text messages required a lot of button presses because there are only 12 buttons on the keypad. All this key mashing using multi-tap, T9, and iTAP lead to a serious case of Blackberry thumb. So I understand why there are so many abbreviations in texting.

Like it or not, they’re now ingrained in our lives. We either accept it or fail to communicate. But I think letting it infiltrate our language like a virus is wrong, and because I’m old, it’s pissing me off!

In addition to the OED‘s inclusion of WTF, OMG and LOL, they’ve also added the heart symbol created by using the “less than” symbol and the number 3. <3 or ♥. Really? It’s not even a goddamn word! Do we really need a book to tell us that the shape of a heart means love? Hasn’t anyone ever heard of Valentine’s Day? Don’t we all know what “INY” means? How would you even “spell” that in order to look it up? I can imagine some douche canoe phonetically trying to sound it out — like pneumonia or xylophone — looking in the N or Z section, respectively, then throwing the dictionary in frustration. Ha!

Never in my life have I yearned for a reference book to explain the shape of my Russel Stover chocolates box, because I went to school where I learned shapes. And gave out Valentines to classmates. Fuck, maybe second graders don’t do Valentine cards anymore. Somewhere along the line, ONE tofu-eating, tree-hugging church-goer probably wrote a letter, informing the school districts that Valentine’s Day cards will lead to polygamy or homosexuality. We all know that Valentine’s Day promotes promiscuity and fornication amongst seven year olds boys, right? And we can’t have that! But I digress. Let’s get back to language, shall we?

Text messaging has even found its way into advertising. Not only are companies using SMS technology to entice people with their wares, they’re using the lingo in their advertising, as well. Burger King has recently been using OMG, BFF, and LOL in posters (as seen in this photo) at their drive-thrus. Here’s a screen capture showing Unilever using OMG to hawk Degree antiperspirant/deodorant to girls. Oh, there’s more. Here’s another photo showing that even television networks can’t help themselves when advertising their shows. And this photo shows a jewelry store’s ad that really goes over the top, both in SMS lingo and lack of class. I can’t help but wonder what my grandparents would think of these ads. “Those electronic doodads are rotting your brain. What does ‘lawl’ and ‘omagah’ mean? What the hell is a ‘roffle?’”

But it doesn’t stop at lexicons and commercials. This annoying text lingo is even pervading into our spoken language. There’s probably not an American alive that hasn’t said “oh my gosh” once in their lives, or literally laughed out loud. But I’ve actually heard people say “oh em gee.” C’mon! It’s the same number of syllables! Just say “oh my god” instead of sounding like a Speak & Spell. On a phone, “OMG” is three characters, not nine, and typing those three characters should be… five button presses if I recall. But in spoken word, there’s no need to say “oh em gee” unless you think you sound cool. I submit you sound like an illiterate stuttering hump!

I was in the checkout line of my local Albertsons a few weeks ago and overheard a couple of teenage spawn of a soccer mom talking about whatever adolescent zit farms talk about. One was relaying some story that involved teasing a friend about a new haircut. Peppered with several “likes” and “uhs,” the tale ended with “…and I was lawlzing!” Seriously? Say “laughing,” you walking collection of oozing pustules! If I could have gotten away with it, that punky bastard would have been crying his eyes out while holding his bleeding head beneath the Certs and Snickers bars. I’d have bounced a can of Bush’s baked beans off his skull.

Similar to text messaging slang outside smartphones and social networks, the shortening of everyday words makes me want to punch people square in the trachea. Apparently, if you were born during the Clinton administration, you have a mineral deficiency, or something, that prevents you from pronouncing complete words. “Peeps” is the most common. It’s short for “people.” What’s wrong with the entire word? Are the people using these shortened words lacking a muscle in the vocal tract that causes linguistic fatigue, or have people become so lazy they can’t be bothered to finish a word? “Where my peeps?” Fuck you, it’s people! And who HAS people? Unless you’re a rich white guy from the 18th Century living on a plantation, you have peers… or friends if you’re lucky. “Peeps” are those marshmallow baby chickens you eat at Easter. And if by now you think I’m just an angry old American bitching about slang ruining English, try looking up peeps at Wikipedia. It’s already started; “peeps” redirects to “people.” It’s PEOPLE!

Unless you watch nothing but PBS on television, you’ve undoubtedly heard many of these syllabically-challenged words uttered by Generation TEXT these days: “Sitch” for situation, “obvi” for obviously, or my favorite (or should I say “fave?”) is “totes” for totally. Others include “probs” for probably and “trubs” for trouble. I’m about ready to have an “aneur.”

People using these Internet memes sound “redic” (ridiculous)! “What’s goin’ on?” “Oh, the uge (usual).” Jesus! I thought I was a lazy sonofabitch, but at least I can complete the pronunciation of a damn word! Seri! (seriously.) I don’t think I’ll ever understand why spoken words have to be shortened. I understand why we shorten typed words, but can anyone explain why zitsters born after the Cold War ended feel the need to speak so lackadaisically by shortening words? It’s stupid shit like this that furthers my slide into full-on misanthropy and sends my blood pressure to ranges that will require prescriptions.

If U uz short wrdz IRL, I h8 U all.