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What a fucked up year 2011 was. We saw everything from Congressional helicoptering to unemployed hippie drum circles, wannabe presidential groping to ineffectual “supercommittees.” All this nonsense distracted the Lamestream Media from the real story of the year: Obama’s inability to do anything but spend money the Country doesn’t have. Let’s recap this shitty year then forget it ever happened…
On January 11, flooding and mudslides in Rio de Janeiro killed 903. See, eleven days old, and 2011 is already giving humanity two giant middle fingers. Oh snap! Eleventh day, eleventh year, two fingers that look like “eleven.” If ever there was a time for The Twilight Zone theme music…
Only a month into the Arab Spring, and 96-year old fitness superhero Jack LaLanne was the first celebrity casualty. We all know early spring is when you can catch your death from pneumonia, and that’s what happened. Don’t fuck around with “new moan ya,” as my Dad liked to say.
In February, Whidbey Island saw nine inches of snow fall and parts of Skagit County saw close to two feet. That didn’t stop me from 4-wheeling it to work, where I saw many dumb-asses stranded on the side of the highway. The next day, while heading to work, I slipped on the stairs outside my house and bruised the shit out of my ass! Holy hell, if you ever have the opportunity to drop all your weight, tailbone first, onto a concrete set of stairs, I highly recommend you pass.
Other ass-breaking news in February saw IPv4 officially run out of IP address. 4,294,967,296 address gone in 30 years? What pigs are we? Thankfully, IPv6 will save our collective asses. If we exhaust 340 trillion, trillion, trillion IPv6 addresses, then we need to put an end to all these goddamn iPhones and iPads.
On March 11, an epic Pokémon battle triggered the 9.1-magnitude Tōhoku earthquake and caused tsunami flooding that killed nearly 20,000 people and a duck. Thousands more were homeless, as this photo from Japanese news outlets clearly shows. The earthquake also caused a huge nuclear accident. If the Simpsons taught us anything, it’s that funny little yellow people can’t run a nuclear power plant.
In March, Cleopatra and Geraldine Ferraro died, but no one knew about it because of Charlie Sheen‘s mental breakdown. Under a fog of anti-semetic rants and bottles of tiger’s blood, Sheen accused GOP candidate Herman Cain of sexually molesting him. Winning!
In April, Dixie Alley witnessed 753 tornadoes that killed 364 people. It was later discovered that all the hot air from Ron Paul‘s GOP “Campaign of Crazy Ideas” caused the twister outbreak. By the end of April, nearly one third of the world’s population watched the Royal inbreeding wedding in London. Not because they wanted to, but because it was aired on every goddamn television channel.
On May Day, SEAL Team 6 stormed a compound in Pakistan and killed Osama bin Laden as he was, um, self-loving himself to his extensive porn collection of hairy desert women in burqas. After filling bin Laden with lead, the SEALs took his body and fed it to the fishes in the Indian Ocean. Unfortunately, struggling actor/taxi driver Bobby Wheeler and “Macho Man” Randy Savage were casualties of the operation… they were trying to steal Osama’s porn and got caught in the “moneyshot/killshot” crossfire.
Only one thing could bring a halt to America’s “Osama’s Dead” celebration, and that’s pictures of Anthony Weiner‘s “congressional member.” First, he denied the dick was his, then he blamed Republican hackers before finally admitting that shit was his and resigning. Unable to stay competitive in the ratings during Weinergate, Oprah aired her last episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Thank god for small big fat black mama miracles! Craving the spotlight one last time, Oprah comes forth as yet another person Herman Cain has groped.
In June, I lost my IT job at the Chinese Aerospace Embassy. After nearly a year, the Emperor’s bean counter decided that my job could easily be replaced by an outsourced computer company, and I was sent home with a two-week severance. It would be five more months before I would be gainfully employed again… just in time, too! I had just a couple weeks before my unemployment benefits were about to run out.
On June 4, Chile’s Puyehue volcano erupts, and surprisingly no one was killed or injured. Wanna know why? There were no floods!
Oh, uhh, just one more thing. Jack 'Dr. Death' Kevorkian‘s timely demise was investigated in June by Lieutenant Columbo. Surprisingly, Columbo found that Dr. Death’s demise was not assisted suicide. This revelation caused Columbo to go crazy and die less than three weeks later.
Amy Winehouse died of “accidental alcohol poisoning due to misadventure,” and became a member of the “27 Club” in July, joining the likes of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. Misadventure? What the fuck, England?
July saw Space Shuttle Atlantis land successfully, sadly ending NASA’s storied Space Shuttle program. Also coming to an end was the Harry Potter film series, when we found out that Harry is really the father of Caylee Anthony and she’s not really dead, but living at Hogwarts, practicing her Quidditch. This shocking news magically acquitted Casey Anthony of murder and set her free to be sexually abused by Herman Cain.
In August, 434 people are killed in the 2011 Sindh floods in Pakistan, and no one gave two squirts of goat shit because — ohmygod ohmygod — Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married in August! They then divorced after 1728 hours of wedded bliss, and still no one cared about the Sindh flooding in Pakistan. Why should we? … Goddamn Osama-hiding motherfuckers. Screw them!
In late August, a 5.8-magnitude earthquake struck Virginia, rattling more than a dozen East Coast states. Unfortunately, the White House and the Capitol Building didn’t collapse, as the quake only cause $200 million in damages, which Obama simply floated a check to cover. At the same time, Hurricane Irene rumbled up the East coast, dumping up to 15 inches of rain, causing $7 billion in damages, and killing 47 in the United States. Pundits were expecting further Plagues, like locusts, or frogs.
Copying the anti-government uprising in Egypt, the social justice demonstrations in Israel, and the political protests in Spain earlier this year, a few jobless liberals and greedy unions started camping in tents, pissing in the street, beating drums, and singing Kumbaya in a concocted protest of America’s wealthy and corporate inequality. The Hippie Autumn — or the so-called Occupy Wall Street protests — proved to us all that Barack Obama supporters are angry that the wealth isn’t being spread around fast enough to their liking.
In Thailand, yet another 657 people are killed by monsoon flooding in October, and the death toll from the flooding of Cambodia‘s Mekong River reaches 207. What’s the deal with floods this year?
“This fall, for the day-to-day activities of an Executive Transvestite Dictator, you need comfortable shoes and an easy outfit. Muammar has the perfect design. The repurposed shower-curtain-turned-House-Dress makes a fashion statement that says he’s a frugal cross-dressing dickweed. Notice the pill box hat that not only looks great, it perfectly matches his ‘man-purse.’” Saddly, Muammar Gaddafi, the “King of Kings of Africa,” was killed at a fashion show in October when he slipped on several rebel militia members bullets, and fell off the runway into a walk-in deep freezer. It was a complete accident. Really.
Speaking of kings, the king of expensive geek tech Steve Jobs also died in October, which led to many teary-eyed developers to write Candle Vigile iPhone/iPad apps to memorialize their false deity. Rainbow flags were lowered to half staff and everyone was asked to wear black turtlenecks.
Halloween brought more scary news; Earth’s population hits 7 billion people… 5.78 billion of them being Chinese script kiddies hell bent on spamming America. One person Earth doesn’t need is a spawn of Justin Bieber, who was accused in the autmn of fathering a child. We all knew it was bullshit, because the only people who like Justin Bieber are pre-pubescent girls who aren’t dropping eggs… because the haven’t had their first period yet! Besides, the baby couldn’t be Justin’s… he was being sexually abused by Jerry Sandusky. Ah ha… you thought I was going to say Herman Cain. Herm likes the beef curtains of white cougars, Jerry likes tight poop chutes of young boys.
By early November, I had joined the 53% again, working for an online retail business. After 12 hours of training, I was on my own during the busiest 60 days of their fiscal year. But I’m an IT rock star and handled things with little carnage.
November also brought about the verdict in the case of Conrad Murray, a black doctor, found guilty of killing a 50-year old white woman, leaving two children and a blanket without a parent. The so-called “Supercommittee” announced in November that they would not meet their deadline to find $1.5 trillion in deficit reduction cuts over a ten year span. That’s like me calling a news conference to announce I won’t be able reduce my household budget by $3,500 a year for ten years. I got news for you, I had to reduce my household budget by more than half while on unemployment earlier this year. And I still paid my rent, made my truck payment, kept up on credit card payments, paid all the utilities, and kept Tina, the birds, and myself fed!
November news showed no sign of stopping when Penn State assistant football coach, Jerry Sandusky, was arrested on 40 counts of sexually abusing eight boys. Jerry’s downfall was he didn’t build an amusement park and zoo in the back yard of his State College, Pennsylvania home… which probably would have gotten him off in more ways than one! Winkwinknudgenudge.
In December, Tropical Storm Washi causes yet another flood, killing a little over a thousand people in the Philippines, including a 96-year old Colonel Sherman T. Potter who died of pneumonia resulting from being in the cold flood waters. When news of Colonel Potter’s death reached the DPRK, Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il — who at the age of 10 met the Colonel and Hawkeye Pierce during the Korean War — was deeply shocked, suffered a heart attack, and died. While North Koreans feigned sorrow for fear of death, the rest of the world pretty much didn’t give a fuck.
Speaking about not giving a fuck, Herman Cain suspended his campaign to be President in December, after every woman he’s ever met accused him of sexual misconduct, including his wife.
So, what lessons have we learned in 2011? Tsunamis and floods killed way more than 20,000 people… stay away from the goddamn water; Don’t tweet your junk on the Internet or you’ll lose your cushy government job; The Arab Spring is already more than 12 months old, proving we have no fucking clue about the Islamic calendar; Stay away from black men bearing gifts of pizza, they only want to grope you; If you’re 96 years old and contract pneumonia, get your affairs in order, ’cause you gonna die!
Shitty. Fucking. Year. Let’s hope 2012 is better, and those theorists about the Mayan calendar are as stupid as they sound.
Happy fucking New Year, everyone!
